Ruining Easter With My Hayfever. And Diarrhea.

The first glorious days of sunshine arrived this week and unsurprisingly our local park was filled with topless, out of shape, pale middle aged men and screaming teenagers with cans of cheap cider in ‘Aldi’ plastic bags. I really think that the rest of the world has a much more elevated opinion of the UK than it deserves. Television shows like ‘Downton Abbey’ have sold the idea that our shores are filled with Mr Darcy types in fancy hats, but a quick visit to my local high street on a sunny afternoon would burst that balloon for any tourist. I mean, quite why there would be tourists on County Road when Chernobyl is now a viable holiday destination is beyond me. But you get my drift.

And please, I’m not being disparaging. I’d love to be in the middle of it all with my best vest on and the rays making my skin a slightly darker shade of pale. However, a quick 20 minute walk on Wednesday with my dog scuppered any hope of enjoying the sun. As soon as I returned home, my eyes began to itch and I quickly realised that I was in the throws of a severe bout of hayfever.


I never suffered from hayfever or sinus issues for about the first twenty five years of my life and then out of nowhere it attached its grubby little pollenated hands on me without warning. It is worth noting that I lived near an industrial plant of some sort for about a decade and there was talk of residents who lived close enough to the plant being affected by respiratory issues. The company were actually taken to court but the case fell through because too many people were trying to jump on the bandwagon and claim that they too had been an unfortunate victim of circumstance. As usual, I kept my integrity and decided not to claim because other than my sinus issues and the growth of a third testicle, I got off pretty issue free.

There was also a form I was required to fill in and who could be fucked with that?

As a result, while the rest of the country has been bathing in the sun, I’ve ruined Easter for me and my girlfriend by being locked away in our bedroom like some sort of sneezing prisoner on house arrest. And when I say, ‘locked away’, I mean I have literally been made immobile by it. My eyes have been streaming for what now seems an eternity and I have felt as about drowsy as is humanly possible. It’s been horrendous.

In other news, today I have also awoken with a stomach churning case of the shits. Full blown diarrhea.

What a perfect bank holiday combination.

I did force myself to go on a walk this morning but insisted we go somewhere with easy access to a wooded area. I don’t know if you can officially count it as a, ‘relaxing Easter Monday holiday walk’, if you’re continuously looking for clearings to take an emergency dump on a moments notice.

All in all, my girlfriend has taken the whole, ‘not being able to do anything because I’m being a massive bitch’ quite well. However, it is difficult to have a debate with a man who has only sporadically left his bedroom in his underwear muttering sentences about his dislike of tree pollen. So time will tell with that one.

As I type this, there’s about seven hours left of the Easter holidays before we go back to the unrelenting grind of capitalism and my hayfever symptoms have decreased significantly. I just have to try and not shit myself between now and bed time.