Do you own an item of clothing that makes your partner find you literally more unattractive?
I do.
They’re a pair of grey Nike sweatpants.
I don’t know how I came to own them. I think my Mum bought them for me in a charity shop about 15 years ago. They’re the type of clothing that just suddenly appears in your wardrobe without any funfair. A type of clothing that you look at and deep down know that somebody has probably died while wearing them.
Anyone who knows me, won’t be surprised that they aren’t stylish. But I don’t think it’s necessarily the design or style of them that she hates. It’s the fact that they simply do not fit.
You see, they’re oversized. But not in the cute way my girlfriend wears oversized clothing. She will walk into the living room wearing a stylish oversized shirt that makes her look like she’s walked straight out of a music video.
No, that’s not how I do oversized clothing. My sweatpants cover most of my feet but are just short enough to let my toes peer out at the world. Sorta like the way a tortoises head comes out. Except in this instance there is no cute reptile, just my wispy Lord of the Ring toes.
I’ll stop now before I turn everyone on.
I wear them all the time behind closed doors and my girlfriend despises them. As soon as her eyes meet me when I have them on, I can see that her face tells the story of a life full of wrong decisions.
When we were first dating she would subtlety try to hide the fact that she found them revolting.
“Don’t you think you should put some shorts on? Bit warm for those? No?”
Five years later, it’s very much a different tone altogether.
“ONE DAY I AM GOING TO CUT THEM INTO TINY LITTLE PIECES AND BURN THEM IN THE BACKYARD!”
I still haven’t plucked up the courage to ask her if she’s going to do this while I’m STILL wearing them.
Now, you might be asking, “If she finds them such an issue, why don’t you just get rid of them?”
There are two answers to this.
1) I’m a prick who finds them so comfortable I would rather ruin her day on a regular basis than dispose of them.
2) I’m a prick.
Without walking into the arena of stereotypes, my girlfriend is a very fashionable person. She is always getting deliveries of some sort and loves trying things on. So I see why it annoys her when I walk around in these monstrosities.
I empathise.
I get it.
I understand I have no sexual currency when I have them on.
I just haven’t got the heart to say goodbye to them.
Anyway, I’m off to put some socks on, my toes are freezing.
The Short Fellow 